GOOD MOURNING

by Roberta Jean Bryant


No it’s not a typo. I deliberately put the U in morning.

For a long time now I’ve had trouble with the standard greeting, “Good morning.” Even more trouble with its counterpart, “How are you?”

I understand intellectually that these pleasantries are social lubricants and probably necessary in a polite society. However, I have a literal mind and a perhaps misguided sense of honesty. Maybe I should have lived in a ruder society.

The problem is that it’s not always a good morning for me. And, more importantly, people do not want to hear my opinion about what kind of morning I think it is. So, there I am – always on the brink of spoiling somebody’s perfectly good day.

I’m trying out a new response to your good-morning greeting: “Good mourning, spelled with a U.” It covers the bases of social nicety. Most people will hear just the good-morning part, and all of us should be happy. The few that understand will know that I’m in mourning on account of the wretched day.

Back to, “How are you?” People don’t really want to know that either. When I complain I’m depressed or in mortal pain it’s a real conversation stopper. Equally distressing is when I’m happily burbling on about the glorious pink dogwoods blooming, and my fellow human being is in pain. Outside of my internist, nobody, me included, appreciates an impromptu organ recital.

I’m experimenting with ambiguous, but honest, responses to, “How are you?” Such as, “I’m ambulatory. I like the fact that many people don’t know what ambulatory means. These days I’m favoring, “I’ve been better.” Or, “I’ve been worse.” Covers the bases.

Now that you’re listening, I am also incensed by the ubiquitous, “Have a good day,” said upon departure. Who are you to tell me what kind of day to have? I do understand how snarky that sounds, but that’s how I feel. Not that you asked. Not that you really want to know.

My favorite daughter used to have the following outgoing message on her voice mail, “Have a good day… unless you have other plans.” Makes you think, don’t it? Works for me!